To the Hiring Manager at Toaster

I'm writing to inform you that, in no way, shape, or form, am I interested in applying for the position of Freelance Copywriter for the San Francisco Office.

I was interested, an hour ago. I saw your post on LinkedIn, here.

I reviewed your website. It's professional, and easy to understand. Your client list is impressive; the sorts of companies for whom I would truly enjoy helping to solve problems. Even your banner copy fills me with ambition: "We're a pioneering creative agency helping forward-thinking brands thrive in a changing world." Nevertheless, I will not be applying for your open position. If you'd like to know why, I suggest you visit your application page.

You've got the standard stuff: upload a PDF of my CV, then copy all the information from that very same meticulously designed resume into your pre-designated fields to be judged by the employment equivalent of a Coinstar sorting machine. But, so does everyone else. No, you're special. The dates are my main point of contention. You want to know from, and until whence, I worked at and was educated by a given company or institution. Fair enough. But I'm a freelancer, which means I currently work more than one job. You wizard won't allow multiple current employers. Seems a bit myopic for a creative agency offering freelance work, no? Moreover, your genius IT guy, who I can only assume is currently arranging punch cards as he reminisces of his boyhood spent hunting bison with the Lakota, made it so that it's impossible to type the entry and end dates. I must click [<<] on a monthly calendar to find my dates. Having begun university in 2004, I had to click the calendar 215 times. Then another 171 times for the end date. I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, you know? Also, I'm a 36 year-old man. And you want to know my GPA? Seriously, fuck off with that shit. How about you pioneer creative ways not to be such unoriginal, robotic ass-hats? Otherwise, you may forward-think yourself straight into hiring the same sort of dipshits who constructed your jargon-heavy gasbag of a job posting.

I beg your pardon, I must now go do the same copy-and-paste kabuki with ten other companies who I'll never hear from. Enjoy thriving in a changing world as you continue leading the trudging, passive funeral march of the meritocracy.

I am also fluent in Microsoft Office. Blow me,

Adrián Duston-Muñoz