Dear Buzzfeed,

I’d sooner use my bandwidth to watch a TikTok of Post Malone filling in his last quarter inch of untatooed scrotum flesh than ever visit your website again.

It’s garbage. Unreadable, trite, hot garbage.

I recently tried navigating your website, but found my focus strained with the same ferocity as the last time I got high and watched Peppa Pig. You combine the integrity of Wendy Williams, the clout of the Sudbury Star, and the lexicon of the robust Ukrainian catfishing me on Bumble.

Holy Hell, you won a Pulitzer. Jonah Peretti’s trying to up his cred with those blue bloods at the club, eh? Well here’s an “inspiration engine” for you: I would sooner trust Jared Leto to play a killer acoustic set at my niece’s quinceañera than turn to Buzzfeed News for current affairs. And Julianna relies far less on obnoxious wokeness to define her brand than you do.

Your nausea-inducing quizzes of the most asinine pop ephemera makes your relevance more perishable than a cucumber finger sandwich on a hot dash. It’s cute, thinking you’re competing with Vice. Realistically, headlines like Bella Thorne Twin Adopts Baby Yoda Sex Robot means your narrow aperture of the zeitgeist is shared by only the trashiest supermarket tabloids. Wondering if that headline is real or not only proves my point.

Seriously, there’s something I want to ask about quoting Reddit. When poaching their funniest comments, how does one properly cite u/NoAnusButEyeMustFart? On the MLA website, it just redirected to a Buzzfeed Quiz entitled Which Instagram Model’s Fartscape Does Your Stench Fog Most Smellproximate? / (Uh-Oh! Has Alexis Ren Been Eating Too Much Broccolini?)

Your news diet contains less nutrition than a bag of Flamin’ Hot Limón Cheetos. While we’re at it, Cheetos knows how to use lurid, rotated type with a 1½ pt. black stroke without looking like a poor man’s Funny Or Die. You’re yellow gatorade meets yellow starburst meets yellow journalism.

That anti-hierarchical mess you call web design begs another question: what the fuck does the “Win” badge even mean? I mean, really. Am I to understand that every other article not tagged are losers? Because if so, I think you just fucking convinced me.

To sum up, I’m dying to write for you. Please, please hire me.

Cordially,

Adrián Duston-Muñoz